In short computers, a suprising interest in how to make the wheels go round.

    I recently had surgery on my right elbow. I believe it was a success, I'm having feeling in my fingers again. Don't expect to get better, they said just probably not worse. I am far from not worse, way way better. Now to computers, something I would have never guessed a burgeoning knack for would be inside me. I'm not tech savy, I have sent four emails life. 

    A sad truth, actually I'm still not great at it. But programming, fixing, and resurrecting a few dead computers, has kinda got the juices flowing. I didn't think the knowhow was in me but it is, somehow. I have been meeting all these people, and learning so much from them. In Linux and windows it's a real treat, to learn all this stuff and so quickly. It's great and fun. Maybe a stepping stone back to my art and a new era. checking out for now.

Hacked and recovering

    I'm recovering well, and very quickly in every matter. I'm both physically and mentally hurting. I don't know the way out, and I don't like the answers, I have been given. Other than that smallish rant things seem to be working out. checking out for now.

Hacking at the elbow

    In the meat, the real meat of life. I find observable joys to partake in merely being there. I have found few, and far between to be a real numbers game. I guess it's how far you want to take it. reason being thoroughly established and adhered too. So I'm having my ulnar nerve released next week. I couldn't have picked a worse time for the surgery, but what is done is done. I will try to power through as quick a possible to get better. but it may take a wee bit. I'm not happy, but realize the nerve damage and pain will only get worse without the surgery. Checking out now.

Wicked feedback for the ILL and down n' outers.

    I can try to hold my own in this vast uncertainty called life and accept it. However I can rattle my empty tin can against the bars for equality in reality. A simple thing to most. They do it without even realizing it. Here's to those not lingering in the pit. Here, there, and everywhere, I'm jealous, regretful really of what will never be. Pseudo med's from pseudo doctors. I know I really should have nothing to say, but I long for a cure. I given up on so much this time around the cyclic illness. I've ceased to be me, no painting, sculpting, anything. I barely write anymore either I'm dying slowly or I'm giving up. I don't know why I feel like I've been kick once to many times, but I do. Checking out for today. 

Duluth under stress

   I went to Duluth yesterday. I had an amazing time with my family. I dove into the waves of Superior and almost lost myself in the lovely chill. Almost lost my glasses too. My four kids that came with, I believe thoroughly enjoyed themselves. One child absent from this trip. My wife had a tough time, and understandably so. If you only knew what this poor woman had to endure daily. She did put best face forward and while struggling, hopefully her day was still pleasant. She is my light, she is my love. It's hard to watch someone in pain. I'm constantly racked with mental torment and quite a small bit physical. It's hard to endure my own problems, and to watch the woman you love suffer too. It's downright unacceptable in any fashion. I ramble disjointed thoughts galore in a horror house dijoure. I'm not quite right, but that's okay.

brain impairment

I can barely talk let alone write. But here I am. crippled and stuptified by just about every thing disorientated, and really and experience this terror and I'm puking and with wave after wave of voice and sound anomalies. I'm seeing a variety of sickeningly disturbing things, and can hardly maintain my stomach in the sight distortion and sound affecting me so severely. I can not write any more.  

Perphenazine and Seroquel, and well the jury is coming back in on that.

 Perphenazine.
It seems to have a slightly better effect than, loxapine and seroquel  for instance. I have found what is perhaps a even better friend for now in Perphenazine and seroquel. It's stabilizing, and fun. O.k. not fun a necessary evil in that I must take medicine in order to function. But hey look at the alternative and you will see it is the only choice. I mean I have five count'em five kids now. They need their Daddy, and my Wife does too. I have to be on at least some game in order to beat this in a way. Side-effects, I don't like. My stupid right side has an eyelid twitch, given I had that same thing with loxapine, it passes for O.k. for myself. With some wicked exhuastion also same as loxapine. The "positive" symptoms appear to have given me some edge way. You know the shitty, delusions, hallucinations, with auditory misinterpretations. I also feel pretty much "blah" at the moment. Other things to watch out for is to high of a dose for you. It is sedating, I mean that's part of the only solution they have, right now. Not a zombie like on haldol, but one step below. So watch how much you take. I took a double dose on accident one time, and twitched and moved all day, I kept saying things four to five times again and again. I figured out what i had done, taken Perphenazine twice. The next day I felt like I had run a marothon. I also had a significant breakdown, and I'm pulling myself back from that. The stress I have been under is greatly increased with some health problems of my children recently. I find in this cyclic illness, you simply can't win, only do a little better each time. After a few years this stuff is able to be put more behind you in a sense of the control gain. Some people require help doing this, in different ways of therapy and counselling. I pretty much have had a set mental breakdown situation control in place. I got it surprisingly enough from my upbringing. They were fair and understanding, a little stoic at times, and my family's thought process is very different than most family's. Not much for the touchy feels, are my tribe. But my wife completely opposite, very in tune with her feelings, and speaks her mind before thinking. I love it. it's fascinating, My children are an interesting blend between the two. I'm very blessed their cute and interesting take on life keeps me sane. Family is key to everything, and good med's can't ever forget those. I've been consistently knocked down in life, only to be able to stand, becuase of my hope, God, and family. I'm broken but they make me a little more whole. A person not just an illness, a number, a nobody.