I'm writing rarely, for a gem to find it's way?

     In recent memory. I have a new baby boy. I'm crippled by a worsening illness. I'm struggling with the day to day. I'm broken and have been for a great amount of time. It's made me forget not being ill. I can't believe the degree of torture I keep hidden from everyone. I'm bleeding invisible tears from invisible wounds. No ones belief and understanding is believably portrayed to myself. I'm crazy and probably cannot take this for many years at this intensity. I barely have a chance to catch my breath, before the next wave of torture begins. Even now after a seemed moment of clarity which is merely an illusion for my benefit alone. I'm only bleeding so toss me inside a hefty and put me in the ground. ahhh it is sweet ignorance, and the love and hope I have for my family that is my life preserver. I guess a real happiness is my wife, and kids. It is my hope for their lives that fuels me to make such an effort everyday. I know it's only a pathetic man that I am that happens survives the imagined evils and those that are real. If my wife reads this, Honey I'm really trying. I need a hand. only your hand can wipe away the fog of this pain if only for a brief moment. I'm a worthless soulless being in search of experience, (To taste and to touch as much as a man can, before he repents.) (johnny Cash) (a brilliant artist by the way.) In time to the ebb and flow, I'm repeatedly knocked down. I don't think people have any Idea what it takes to stand, right now I barely want to live. God help me from this insanity. The pain is terrible the sights and sounds and ideas a horror. I'm failing fast, I've got to get out of here. I've got to go now. bye

Delusion?

My wife is strangely removed from me. I believe to be a possible delusion. Walking through a mine field without realizing you have stepped on a mine. It's not real or is it? I could be damaging my relationship without really knowing it either way. I guess it's my turn to walk into the knife.