He with body waged a fight,
But body won; it walks upright.
Then he struggled with the heart;
Innocence and peace depart.
Then he struggled with the mind;
His proud heart he left behind.
Now his wars on God begin;
At stroke of midnight God shall win.
By: W.B.Yeats
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Riding The Illness Train Sucks
In the face of crushing depression. Wave after wave of these base emotions are drowning me in fear. I'm having a hard time connecting to anything at all. I suppose this is life and you can't be just miserable all the time. Only more so it seems to work better with this beastly natural illness. I can't feel anything really but hollow, afraid, and a cold burning sorrow. It seems ice has yet again chose to flow through these veins. I don't know what to do except ride it out. I know from previous experience that most of the increase will end in some time. But it has been about six months and a downward slope at that. I've come to fear my wife and kids as well as the outside world. The T.V.'s prattling in the background is driving me batty. I know the dangers inherit with this line of thinking. It must be apart of an elaborate delusion that has decided to favor a feeble mind. I still posses enough presence of mind to realize that much.
Such is the wreck and ruin of mental illness. I feel a divide real or imagined, not quite sure. However after a decade of illness always, always bet on imagined. It's really the only safe choice. Same as when a conversation turns south. I found that being polite and not flying off the handle is generally the best idea. Even though it can be really painful, just turn a smile on and choke on it. Thankfully the illness and medicine will blur it pretty much out in a few days. If it doesn't it's a delusion. Trust this pained person don't jump to conclusions. They are wrong, even if they seem right, in my case they are wrong, so wrong. It's safer and can give yourself a certain brittle piece of mind. cling to it.
I'm seriously suffering, and can still give enough advice about that. It's the best way to squash delusions from taking root. I'm working hard to get better, and I know that I have acquired my regular aloofness. So if I see you, and don't respond don't take offense. I just can't really handle talking at that moment. I've tried to break this part of my cyclic illness. It just hasn't happened quite yet. I didn't write anything yesterday, simply because my mind and body were exhausted dealing. So suffering or not I had to tell you about this sickly frame of existence.
Mahalo.
Such is the wreck and ruin of mental illness. I feel a divide real or imagined, not quite sure. However after a decade of illness always, always bet on imagined. It's really the only safe choice. Same as when a conversation turns south. I found that being polite and not flying off the handle is generally the best idea. Even though it can be really painful, just turn a smile on and choke on it. Thankfully the illness and medicine will blur it pretty much out in a few days. If it doesn't it's a delusion. Trust this pained person don't jump to conclusions. They are wrong, even if they seem right, in my case they are wrong, so wrong. It's safer and can give yourself a certain brittle piece of mind. cling to it.
I'm seriously suffering, and can still give enough advice about that. It's the best way to squash delusions from taking root. I'm working hard to get better, and I know that I have acquired my regular aloofness. So if I see you, and don't respond don't take offense. I just can't really handle talking at that moment. I've tried to break this part of my cyclic illness. It just hasn't happened quite yet. I didn't write anything yesterday, simply because my mind and body were exhausted dealing. So suffering or not I had to tell you about this sickly frame of existence.
Mahalo.
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