I feel so cold towards myself, my life, to my very skin. If i counted the way people often do. I wouldn't measure up to much in their lives or their eyes. Pain and an echoing hollowness are encompassing my life. I don't know what to say or how to act. I am a man without country or quarter. I fart, I crap, I piss, and I yearn for something to help with this burden of nothing crushing me. It's molding me into something strange. I don't know what all I know without a pulse, I couldn't write and so I live as much as I can. If hurdles are made to be jumped I will learn to jump them, or contemplate their existence. I'm barely half a man. I find the revolution of chambers to be my sirens call. I probably won't survive, so I will write. I have lived in pain and misunderstanding for a very long time. If I have nothing to give. It's already been given. I love you. I know you won't understand this. I know you probably will hate me for being selfish. I already do. I'm going to look up the right mixture to end my life. I'm more of a burden than anything anyway. I love you, L. You are great artist and a very kind and special women. Decisions can be tough you will learn to make them. I love you, A. You are full of spirit and have a zest for life that is enviable, take care. I love you K, you will grow in to an amazing adult, you already have a knack for the arts go for it. my little kiki. I love you F, You are stubborn and beneath it all you are very kind and compassionate boy, carry it on into manhood. I love you little L, I know we barely got a chance to know each other. I do love you. I want you to have a great life. I want all of you to have a great life. I love you all with everything I can give. Jamie, I cannot thank you enough for your love and kindness. I know I have become a burden on you and the kids lives. I plan to elevate that, by removing myself from the equation. When I die you will get some money. It'll come from the gov't for each child, and for you. The life insurance policy will go to you and the kids. It should cover everything, until your disability comes through. I know they can't deny your pain and suffering, such crippling diseases. If you need anything just ask. I will be here a short while yet. cremate me or throw my body in a ditch, no headstone please. I hope you don't bother to check this until much later..... I know you probably won't, and that is for the best, Their are much better men than I out there. I'll merely drag you down. I do love you, and I always will. To all those lonely. I can understand being broken. I'm just talking out of my ass. I'm not going to do anything. I'll find a way. Hopefully with you, Jamie. I sometimes gush my sadness just ignore it. okay. people are strange, when you're a stranger right.
