I find myself staring out the window with increasing frequency. I do this sometime for hours on end. I know my illness is taking a turn for the worst. I do know it will not reach "worst" as I sometimes fear. The medicine & family will keep me from that. My consuming fire to protect that which I love is still firmly in place. I look blankly at this computer screen. I don't know what I'll write or what havoc will spill forth from my cracking egg-shell head. I just know if you are out there. If you're suffering, your not alone. I know things will get better eventually. I can't possibly have anymore breaks in water pipes, backed up sewers, lightning strikes, flat tires, broken vans, sinking into the ground vans. Sections of house fall off. and vermin to eat the pipes. Christmas flat-broke. shortage on property taxes. and gutters break away & off the house. Ice dams and holes dug in the yard by my dogs. A dog who is squeaking instead of barking. Then proceeds to bark like a hell-hound. Deaths in the family from cancer. I am a complete charity case. I have know shame left. I'm a broken man.
I only can find solace that my reprieve will come. It's the longest run since 2005. I'm turning to drinking and self medicating regulation. I don't recommend it. I'm getting desperate for the upswing. At least I have good bourbon, semi-good brandy, and crappy whiskey, with another hurray to cognac. I also have one bottle of beer that's been in there for six months. I'm generally not a heavy drinker. I also quit smoking my pipe about four years ago. I'm not saying I don't miss it, I do. I really do. hmmm funny thing is that I'm considering a rejoining the work force on this one. I won't but still. It's nice to know I have another vice to go back to. I'm going to die, someday. I guess that ones my choice about the when. My illness will let up, so it will not come to it. I have a family to take care of. I can't be selfish, and I may hate myself, but I have to continue though. Tripping and stumbling the whole way.
