Duluth under stress

   I went to Duluth yesterday. I had an amazing time with my family. I dove into the waves of Superior and almost lost myself in the lovely chill. Almost lost my glasses too. My four kids that came with, I believe thoroughly enjoyed themselves. One child absent from this trip. My wife had a tough time, and understandably so. If you only knew what this poor woman had to endure daily. She did put best face forward and while struggling, hopefully her day was still pleasant. She is my light, she is my love. It's hard to watch someone in pain. I'm constantly racked with mental torment and quite a small bit physical. It's hard to endure my own problems, and to watch the woman you love suffer too. It's downright unacceptable in any fashion. I ramble disjointed thoughts galore in a horror house dijoure. I'm not quite right, but that's okay.

brain impairment

I can barely talk let alone write. But here I am. crippled and stuptified by just about every thing disorientated, and really and experience this terror and I'm puking and with wave after wave of voice and sound anomalies. I'm seeing a variety of sickeningly disturbing things, and can hardly maintain my stomach in the sight distortion and sound affecting me so severely. I can not write any more.  

Perphenazine and Seroquel, and well the jury is coming back in on that.

 Perphenazine.
It seems to have a slightly better effect than, loxapine and seroquel  for instance. I have found what is perhaps a even better friend for now in Perphenazine and seroquel. It's stabilizing, and fun. O.k. not fun a necessary evil in that I must take medicine in order to function. But hey look at the alternative and you will see it is the only choice. I mean I have five count'em five kids now. They need their Daddy, and my Wife does too. I have to be on at least some game in order to beat this in a way. Side-effects, I don't like. My stupid right side has an eyelid twitch, given I had that same thing with loxapine, it passes for O.k. for myself. With some wicked exhuastion also same as loxapine. The "positive" symptoms appear to have given me some edge way. You know the shitty, delusions, hallucinations, with auditory misinterpretations. I also feel pretty much "blah" at the moment. Other things to watch out for is to high of a dose for you. It is sedating, I mean that's part of the only solution they have, right now. Not a zombie like on haldol, but one step below. So watch how much you take. I took a double dose on accident one time, and twitched and moved all day, I kept saying things four to five times again and again. I figured out what i had done, taken Perphenazine twice. The next day I felt like I had run a marothon. I also had a significant breakdown, and I'm pulling myself back from that. The stress I have been under is greatly increased with some health problems of my children recently. I find in this cyclic illness, you simply can't win, only do a little better each time. After a few years this stuff is able to be put more behind you in a sense of the control gain. Some people require help doing this, in different ways of therapy and counselling. I pretty much have had a set mental breakdown situation control in place. I got it surprisingly enough from my upbringing. They were fair and understanding, a little stoic at times, and my family's thought process is very different than most family's. Not much for the touchy feels, are my tribe. But my wife completely opposite, very in tune with her feelings, and speaks her mind before thinking. I love it. it's fascinating, My children are an interesting blend between the two. I'm very blessed their cute and interesting take on life keeps me sane. Family is key to everything, and good med's can't ever forget those. I've been consistently knocked down in life, only to be able to stand, becuase of my hope, God, and family. I'm broken but they make me a little more whole. A person not just an illness, a number, a nobody.

Flightless in reality, sightless in senility.

 A broken word, a trembled tone. A trait often found in the common liar. I have found a new friend in the isolated pain of self imposed interspersion to and of the highest degree. The act of doing such adds a degree of life to myself that is often entertained by many, but i have to let life do what it may, and with the exception of conforming myself to hide the pain with lies. I believe it to be a survivable mixture. I find myself distant and more hollow than before. Perhaps a passing thought in an otherwise empty room. Joy to the joyless to breach a heart in time. Tears for the belief of a second sound. One sound to ring true in mindful, thoughtful deed. blood in which flows between the minded heart to join in revelry life, hardened of gaze. T he last a vision for eyes orange with hope. In a lie, it's true pain and happiness can die. 

Bumming the burn out. Last will.

I feel so cold towards myself, my life, to my very skin. If i counted the way people often do. I wouldn't measure up to much in their lives or their eyes. Pain and an echoing hollowness are encompassing my life. I don't know what to say or how to act. I am a man without country or quarter. I fart, I crap, I piss, and I yearn for something to help with this burden of nothing crushing me. It's molding me into something strange. I don't know what all I know without a pulse, I couldn't write and so I live as much as I can. If hurdles are made to be jumped I will learn to jump them, or contemplate their existence. I'm barely half a man. I find the revolution of chambers to be my sirens call. I probably won't survive, so I will write. I have lived in pain and misunderstanding for a very long time. If I have nothing to give. It's already been given. I love you. I know you won't understand this. I know you probably will hate me for being selfish. I already do. I'm going to look up the right mixture to end my life. I'm more of a burden than anything anyway. I love you, L. You are great artist and a very kind and special women. Decisions can be tough you will learn to make them. I love you, A. You are full of spirit and have a zest for life that is enviable, take care. I love you K, you will grow in to an amazing adult, you already have a knack for the arts go for it. my little kiki. I love you F, You are stubborn and beneath it all you are very kind and compassionate boy, carry it on into manhood. I love you little L, I know we barely got a chance to know each other. I do love you. I want you to have a great life. I want all of you to have a great life. I love you all with everything I can give. Jamie, I cannot thank you enough for your love and kindness. I know I have become a burden on you and the kids lives. I plan to elevate that, by removing myself from the equation. When I die you will get some money. It'll come from the gov't for each child, and for you. The life insurance policy will go to you and the kids. It should cover everything, until your disability comes through. I know they can't deny your pain and suffering, such crippling diseases. If you need anything just ask. I will be here a short while yet. cremate me or throw my body in a ditch, no headstone please. I hope you don't bother to check this until much later..... I know you probably won't, and that is for the best, Their are much better men than I out there. I'll merely drag you down. I do love you, and I always will. To all those lonely. I can understand being broken. I'm just talking out of my ass. I'm not going to do anything. I'll find a way. Hopefully with you, Jamie. I sometimes gush my sadness just ignore it. okay. people are strange, when you're a stranger right.

I'm writing rarely, for a gem to find it's way?

     In recent memory. I have a new baby boy. I'm crippled by a worsening illness. I'm struggling with the day to day. I'm broken and have been for a great amount of time. It's made me forget not being ill. I can't believe the degree of torture I keep hidden from everyone. I'm bleeding invisible tears from invisible wounds. No ones belief and understanding is believably portrayed to myself. I'm crazy and probably cannot take this for many years at this intensity. I barely have a chance to catch my breath, before the next wave of torture begins. Even now after a seemed moment of clarity which is merely an illusion for my benefit alone. I'm only bleeding so toss me inside a hefty and put me in the ground. ahhh it is sweet ignorance, and the love and hope I have for my family that is my life preserver. I guess a real happiness is my wife, and kids. It is my hope for their lives that fuels me to make such an effort everyday. I know it's only a pathetic man that I am that happens survives the imagined evils and those that are real. If my wife reads this, Honey I'm really trying. I need a hand. only your hand can wipe away the fog of this pain if only for a brief moment. I'm a worthless soulless being in search of experience, (To taste and to touch as much as a man can, before he repents.) (johnny Cash) (a brilliant artist by the way.) In time to the ebb and flow, I'm repeatedly knocked down. I don't think people have any Idea what it takes to stand, right now I barely want to live. God help me from this insanity. The pain is terrible the sights and sounds and ideas a horror. I'm failing fast, I've got to get out of here. I've got to go now. bye

Delusion?

My wife is strangely removed from me. I believe to be a possible delusion. Walking through a mine field without realizing you have stepped on a mine. It's not real or is it? I could be damaging my relationship without really knowing it either way. I guess it's my turn to walk into the knife.