Happy New Year!

 Eat, Drink and be merry!~2011 is coming!!

My Few Friends Make Surviving Worth It! (Family included of course)

   What's with people, and the frigging attitude. I find myself surrounded by unforgiving people outside my family. I find solace in my church, and the blessings they have given my family. But have come across, a surprising number of amazing people. I bet you thought I was going somewhere else with that, and shockingly it really would be a different outcome. I know you jet setting friend's and you mightier than thou attitudes are annoying to me, anyway. I find that those that I chose to surround myself with still cannot drown out the nay sayer's. Myself and my little dozen or so family and friends seem to steady me in my weak moments. I know that without the few. I wouldn't have the skills to face the many. It would seem my better is only related to a few choice people.                  On a different note, much different, I'am painting a crib though. The countdown to a new member of the family continues. I'm overall staggeringly happy. My wife gets bigger and I feel for her with the awful pain normaly associated with her Lupus, she's having contractions and pregnancy pain. So please say a prayer or whatever you want for my wife and family, and for my fifth child. It would be appreciated.  So Ma halo.

Times Are A Changing

   I've tried to survive. I have given up on this. I realized that I want to live. I'm on the new medicine which is making me much clearer than before. I find this to be a very hopeful sign. I will live for another day. My new baby is due in a month and a half. A month and a half! I have a lot of stuff to due before that, sand and paint a crib, and bassinet. and my wife is becoming more of a woman. The baby bump is definitely there. I mean no offense. But nothing is quite as sexy as a woman you love completely, pregnant with your baby. I'm not sure if their are more kids in the future, but I work hard at being as good a father as I can be. I'm proud of the little things, and the big, and the big. I didn't forget those. All in all minus the little hiccups, baby's included. I find myself happy with life. I wanted certain things out of life. When I was young, but they are oohhh so much different to those that permeate my life today. I wanted to live, and now life has found me.

I'm Trying, So Help Me, Perhaps Help You

   In all the sickness, and through the madness. I find myself as fragile as aged colored glass. I cannot see, for I am blind to what is before me. I'm trying to find my voice, be it harsh as sliding on cold mix roads, of as gentle as the breeze that gathers the dandelion fluff into a swirl of white. I cannot find the middle ground, or perhaps this is it. A hilltop green with vistas far enough to touch, wanting it more, than ever before. I break into a new way of thinking.(In my situation a dangerous venture) New and bless with innocence and yet the vinegar taste almost enough to drive you away, but wanting to see if it changes with age into a fine wine. A new begrudging start, necessary to drive my heart and mind into a pool of new delusions and madness tasting pies. In my mind's eye warped with illness, I can gain a whimsical view into the box of newborn puppies, each with our name, and business, tagged around every neck. Each waiting to be picked, but never knowing for what reason.

thanksgiving

The computer's a little foreign to me lately. It's been awhile, for me. I started a new med to replace my loxapine.  Hope it works. Thanksgiving was a quiet success. The kids were cute and quite well behaved. It was great.

Bitter

  Embittered eyes gaze.
Languished  and embalmed,
In hatred of self and position.
I will only find the quiet of the midnight,
In the streets of my misery's cage.
I can see a barbers pole through the rusted bars.
Of a prisoner of mind in matters, only I can know.
I fear you in your glare at my hypocrisy of a life in chosen pursuit.
I choose happiness in my pool of self pity.
A buoy, a ring with to swim towards a receding shoreline, is what I desire.
A finding in truth, a look into a fragile state, and bitter is it's taste in life.
I believe in the sweetness of hope, a real rare commodity to share, life in love.

Loxapine

  I have found Loxapine to be a good medicine to control many symptoms. Ones that I have struggled with over the years. In my review I would give it a B+ in symptom control. I have a mouth like the Sahara , but otherwise things are working pretty good. I have become more distant over the last 8 months. I'm going to try a new medicine with named Prephenazine. Maybe it will work, Maybe the loxapine is the cause of my worsening of symptoms. Then the med change would be great. Well I'm not going to hold my breath I have been disappointed so much over the last ten years. It would a appear that disappointment is my only appointment. I know that is sad. I'm bound and determined to win this little battle, and take back a little bit, and bit by bit, I will claw my way forward. I will come out of these crushing feelings somehow, and merely the when is the question. I have hope that I will succeed.