Souls Aren't Responsible For What They Say

"It was true what he told me,............. He hadn't lied. I had my suspicions, though, because down-and-outers like that tend to be off their rockers. There's a degree of destitution when the mind doesn't always stay with the body. It's too uncomfortable. What's talking to you is practically a disembodied soul. And a soul isn't responsible for what it says."
                                                         Celine

Sex and Madness

   I'm of the firm belief that without sex, you could quite possibly go crazy. I know the chemicals released during and after, are pain numbing, and rid you of depression for a short period. That's the case in my respect. I believe in monogamy. I'm married, It's always consenting, and never forced. I don't believe in the crimes that are committed mainly against women to be anything, but disgusting and reprehensible. Nothing like those atrocities should ever happen to anyone. Rape and molestation, abuse of any kind is not acceptable. Verbal, Physical, whatever, not acceptable from anyone. Anything like this should be pursued to the fullest extent of the law. I'd probably go beyond, but then I'd be no better.
    In spite of that, two consenting adult's in my opinion is right. It doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, whatever. I really don't care. Sex between two people in love is exciting and very fulfilling. The relaxation is pretty much immediate upon climax. If you have an illness, you should notice the symptoms let up for a while. Even if for only an hour or two afterwards. It will however, generally put some pep, and a smile in you, and your partner for the day. It will improve the relationship. It's only my opinion, but hey, it seems to work wonders for my wife and myself. Talking is quite important in any healthy relationship. But so is the physical, which also plays an important role. All in all without good amount of talking, which I learned is important from my wife. Many, many years ago. Plus without a healthy sex life. Your relationship is probably going to tank, or maybe stumble around like some drunk bastard. Perhaps even waddle over the abyss.
    You have to work at having a good relationship. I mean really work, that doesn't mean always having to say, your sorry. However if you need to you need too. There is no getting around it. Growing up means taking responsibility for you actions. If you can't do that you shouldn't be having sex, or be in a relationship. I'm also a parent and that probably comes through a wee bit.
    Schizoaffective disorder claims a lot of us with the illness lives. It's always painful, but after awhile you just stop bitchin'. Because who wants to hear it. Without someone there to help pick you up. You just have to do it yourself, dust your pants, and wash your face. It really sucks, believe me I know. You can never really truly convey what's happening to you.
     I always try to break it down to simple thing the doctors and nurses may have experienced. It really seems to expedite your treatment. For an example say something like this, " You know when you hear a loud bang, and you feel like your kinda deaf, but still can almost make out what people are saying through the ring." Now I elaborate to what I might be feeling, and what I might say is, " I have the same sort of thing going on. Except I haven't heard a loud bang. I'm having a hard time getting all the noises and voices right. But all the noise from inside the room, in combination with the people talking in the hall is like mental torture."  I also try to have sex the day before I see my doctor. It seems to lighten my mood. Shower is pretty mandatory, of course. I mean I would do it. I'm trying to show you, both a little of what I go through, and a pep talk for my disjointed thinking, brothers and sisters out there.

Mahalo.

Philosophizing in Cowardly Shadows

"Philosophizing is simply one way of being afraid,
a cowardly pretense that doesn't get you anywhere."

                                                                    Celine

Blinking And Poverty

    Blink once and all sudden, wham, you're broke and begging. That's what happens in this vicious cycle of pain is the inherit poverty that comes with it. I have too ask, beg for stuff for my family. In the terms and requirements of keeping a poor man down. It happens very easily, and almost impossible to not make things worse. When you have nothing it gives you the impression, that you're nothing, further adding to the depression, and stress. In the understanding that you are not in control of anything. It makes me sick to my stomach that I have to allow others to make the bed, that I lie on. The food I eat, the roof over my head.(for the most part) The place in which my children eat. The place to live, sleep, and smile. The health care that is ooohhh so necessary in our case. A horrible deepening general sickness that has overtaken my family. Maybe our home is slowly poisoning us. It could be, it seems illness is rampant in our family. I know things could be much worse, and in a blink of an eye, everything could crumble.
     The dignity I've had to swallow for family's sake as well as my own own is immense. It's great to have help, but I feel sometimes like I've dug my own grave, and there's nothing I can do to crawl out. My family needs and deserves so much more. So with one hand on the scale, poverty has saved my family and myself. The other hand on the opposite side of the scale recognizes that it has to remain light in it's weight to continue surviving.  I guess in a blink I could be completely destitute. Without any recourse, but to turn to a life of crime. To save my family, I will do what is needed. I'm almost completely without shame now. I've become feral in this void. It's not necessary right now, thankfully, but the option is still open if things go south. Any creature must adapt somehow.

Mahalo.

The Four Ages of Man

He with body waged a fight,
But body won; it walks upright.

Then he struggled with the heart;
Innocence and peace depart.

Then he struggled with the mind;
His proud heart he left behind.

Now his wars on God begin;
At stroke of midnight God shall win.

                                                  By: W.B.Yeats

Riding The Illness Train Sucks

  In the face of crushing depression. Wave after wave of these base emotions are drowning me in fear. I'm having a hard time connecting to anything at all. I suppose this is life and you can't be just miserable all the time. Only more so it seems to work better with this beastly natural illness. I can't feel anything really but hollow, afraid, and a cold burning sorrow. It seems ice has yet again chose to flow through these veins. I don't know what to do except ride it out. I know from previous experience that most of the increase will end in some time. But it has been about six months and a downward slope at that. I've come to fear my wife and kids as well as the outside world. The T.V.'s prattling in the background is driving me batty. I know the dangers inherit with this line of thinking. It must be apart of an elaborate delusion that has decided to favor a feeble mind. I still posses enough presence of mind to realize that much.
   Such is the wreck and ruin of mental illness. I feel a divide real or imagined, not quite sure. However after a decade of illness always, always bet on imagined. It's really the only safe choice. Same as when a conversation turns south. I found that being polite and not flying off the handle is generally the best idea. Even though it can be really painful, just turn a smile on and choke on it. Thankfully the illness and medicine will blur it pretty much out in a few days. If it doesn't it's a delusion. Trust this pained person don't jump to conclusions. They are wrong, even if they seem right, in my case they are wrong, so wrong. It's safer and can give yourself a certain brittle piece of mind. cling to it.
    I'm seriously suffering, and can still give enough advice about that. It's the best way to squash delusions from taking root. I'm working hard to get better, and I know that I have acquired my regular aloofness. So if I see you, and don't respond don't take offense. I just can't really handle talking at that moment. I've tried to break this part of my cyclic illness. It just hasn't happened quite yet. I didn't write anything yesterday, simply because my mind and body were exhausted dealing. So suffering or not I had to tell you about this sickly frame of existence.

Mahalo.  

Back in ER

   Because of another ER visit. I'm not really better off, because the pain is only mildly under control. I either have another hernia, or a severe groin pull. They don't know, go figure, 6 hours and nothing, no real answers. I'm going for the gold, with the doctor visits in the last two weeks. yeah loss of money and time. I have an appointment on Thursday with my regular Doc. I pray it's nothing serious, and if it is, Fix It Fast Please. I've a child due in Feb. I need to hold.


Mahalo.