Suffering and silence

 Time flows is not and accurate representation of our being here, and the events that unfold. It is, and will be, a was and a is. throughout our understanding is what a creation can be or not be. There is always, a never and forever contradicting each other. I feel pain everyday and breath sorrow, like a hot soup into my lungs. It scalds the throat and it does suffocate my lungs deprived of air. I have a will that is broken like your grandma's bone china when you were three. I possess an understanding of things on all sides now. Having died and being brought back has clarified things for me. I will suffer here for my beautiful family and I have a grandchild who is on the way. I have to support my family. While I am here. Even if all I have to give is exist.

Stumbled and standing

 I stand before I stumble again. I have survived a heart attack only to find the floor again. I am at a low, but I worry about my only reason to live. My family will fall without me. I am dying, but I can't leave yet. Not again as I have died and know what's next is peaceful. I am not worried about me. I am no longer a Christian as I have found it to be false. But I don't fault people for believing in it. As I know it's fine no matter what you believe. Take it from someone who knows. You will be fine. I'm just worried about the living. That's the true hurt. My family needs me to be stronger and I will be. My family is hurting and I will find a way them to survive without me. I love them with my whole self. My partner is amazing and smart, but also fragile and gentle. She needs assistance and I will give it till my dying breath.

Deathly sadness and Black Coffee

 It's coffee, coffee and sadness. I wake up make coffee, and muddle through the day feeling mired in quicksand. I cry daily, and smile through the tears for others. Sometimes I can't even do that. Well death will come and I will die. It will take away this painful existence. Sure I know it will get better, but right now it doesn't seem like it. I can't move my bones or brain. This is a depressing post. I'm just glad no one will read this.

A way home (CRAP TO READ)

  In all the ways, I cannot find the truth. The truth to be revealed to me. In so much of my life, I find the pain, torment to be a comfort for while shifting is a steady distraction from other parts of life. That I cannot find my bearings in anyway shape or form. The only form, I possess is painful and unenlightened through the day a confusing existential one.          YOU KNOW WHAT!!! THIS IS BORING SHIT, AND BARELY UNDERSTANDABLE. I MEAN EXCEPT TO MY CRAZY BRAIN.


P.s. This stuff is meant to spill my soul, and since pain is soulless, I guess I am too. Sad, sad, and illogically the answer to my question. It doesn't reflect on a my life's meaning though. Still haven't found the door on that one.

Golden Years (Are they now or yesterday?)

I find this dated song to be ringing true to this day. So fuck it and Surrender, end it or live it.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR8D4Uybtzs&feature=related

Can I play with madness.(Iron Maiden) Fitting for my idiot self

I feared only one thing in my life and I played and lost.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSZbbTjM0Es

There are Days, I feel like sleeping in forever!

I find it hard to even think of another moment awake. Dead Awake, and behind the bars of my screwed mind.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAPy64IgG58&feature=BFa&list=PLB73877ACE50A4C57&lf=mh_lolz

What NOT to do to learn how to get money, and cars.

I think some things mimic life a little to realistically? What do you have to say to this?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fDdI-qWixk&NR=1

Johnson&johnson (what they really think.)

I find it hard not to believe more companies are not like this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1X2JsAqB2o&feature=related

Try this for shitty good night.

 This little bit of video is what must go on in my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN-ueenayDk&feature=related

Pearl Jam (eldery woman behind the counter in a small town)

This is my life today.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHCE5sw1mTs

A new Breath

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuq7RYQ8Wa0

Birthday for My Oldest (A NEW ADULT)

   Time seems to rise and stand, flipping sand into your face. A new Adult, a new phase of life for my princess dear. I know that even though she will always be my little girl. That Bravery is needed, the great courage, compassion, and brains. The sadness of the jaded sand of the hourglass, burning into her eyes the brutality of life. The joy is hard won, but is freely given, but sometimes in too small a dose to help in your life. It could be the glue that keeps you going. Or the pain that drives humanity away. But let's rejoice in another beautiful gem coming into her own. Someone to make a difference in the ocean of aged humanity. A fresh voice of reason to make things right. I love you with all my heart, and will stand for you. No matter where, no matter what, I will always be there for you.                    
                                    Love always,
                                                   Dad.   

A Slap in the face, and a punch in the groin. Hurrah it's Mental hash.

   I'm struck by the intensity of this cyclic illnesses proliferation throughout everyday instances. I've been trembling and shaking, as well as had image replay overlay. It sound weird because it is weird with the audio inferences. I try to participate in the every event of the day. Only to have the event of the sometimes the very day before or earlier than that play across the scene scape before me. 

   I've also have the pleasure. Of the ever popular shifting people,places and just supposedly inanimate objects. Believe it or not it comes in stereo, yay. I'm going to see the doc on monday. I am so close to just shooting myself, or really I should say the stress of everyday things like being squashed by a mountain of bills, and everything that I need breaking on me, Mind included. Disability and torment, poverty and woe. The shaking and fried nerves the surgeries, my own and my wifes. My 5 kids with a rainbow of problems and the inability to properly help them. I know these things take time. My youngest boy one of his damn balls hasn't decended yet. If it doesn't by November, surgery on my then 10 month old. Surgery, for my wife, is yet to come about. speech problem coupled with listening difficulty. ADD for another one, and over inflated sense of self, placing themselves in front of others. Along with my little shy violet, who is great, but needs motivation. 

    I've been finding myself faltering, no floundering in the everyday and the entire social spectrum. I can't seem to find that second breath, that added juice to make my space grow into a more pleasant present. If yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a present. Then I want the directions. I want the damn equations, methods and theoritical solutions to travel to stop drowning me, I'm not a smart man, I am what I am, and I am at a loss. I'll be searching the couch cushions for a bus token. If I can, I will, If I try, I might just survive this down-side for a while longer. checking out for now, later.

In short computers, a suprising interest in how to make the wheels go round.

    I recently had surgery on my right elbow. I believe it was a success, I'm having feeling in my fingers again. Don't expect to get better, they said just probably not worse. I am far from not worse, way way better. Now to computers, something I would have never guessed a burgeoning knack for would be inside me. I'm not tech savy, I have sent four emails life. 

    A sad truth, actually I'm still not great at it. But programming, fixing, and resurrecting a few dead computers, has kinda got the juices flowing. I didn't think the knowhow was in me but it is, somehow. I have been meeting all these people, and learning so much from them. In Linux and windows it's a real treat, to learn all this stuff and so quickly. It's great and fun. Maybe a stepping stone back to my art and a new era. checking out for now.

Hacked and recovering

    I'm recovering well, and very quickly in every matter. I'm both physically and mentally hurting. I don't know the way out, and I don't like the answers, I have been given. Other than that smallish rant things seem to be working out. checking out for now.

Hacking at the elbow

    In the meat, the real meat of life. I find observable joys to partake in merely being there. I have found few, and far between to be a real numbers game. I guess it's how far you want to take it. reason being thoroughly established and adhered too. So I'm having my ulnar nerve released next week. I couldn't have picked a worse time for the surgery, but what is done is done. I will try to power through as quick a possible to get better. but it may take a wee bit. I'm not happy, but realize the nerve damage and pain will only get worse without the surgery. Checking out now.

Wicked feedback for the ILL and down n' outers.

    I can try to hold my own in this vast uncertainty called life and accept it. However I can rattle my empty tin can against the bars for equality in reality. A simple thing to most. They do it without even realizing it. Here's to those not lingering in the pit. Here, there, and everywhere, I'm jealous, regretful really of what will never be. Pseudo med's from pseudo doctors. I know I really should have nothing to say, but I long for a cure. I given up on so much this time around the cyclic illness. I've ceased to be me, no painting, sculpting, anything. I barely write anymore either I'm dying slowly or I'm giving up. I don't know why I feel like I've been kick once to many times, but I do. Checking out for today. 

Duluth under stress

   I went to Duluth yesterday. I had an amazing time with my family. I dove into the waves of Superior and almost lost myself in the lovely chill. Almost lost my glasses too. My four kids that came with, I believe thoroughly enjoyed themselves. One child absent from this trip. My wife had a tough time, and understandably so. If you only knew what this poor woman had to endure daily. She did put best face forward and while struggling, hopefully her day was still pleasant. She is my light, she is my love. It's hard to watch someone in pain. I'm constantly racked with mental torment and quite a small bit physical. It's hard to endure my own problems, and to watch the woman you love suffer too. It's downright unacceptable in any fashion. I ramble disjointed thoughts galore in a horror house dijoure. I'm not quite right, but that's okay.

brain impairment

I can barely talk let alone write. But here I am. crippled and stuptified by just about every thing disorientated, and really and experience this terror and I'm puking and with wave after wave of voice and sound anomalies. I'm seeing a variety of sickeningly disturbing things, and can hardly maintain my stomach in the sight distortion and sound affecting me so severely. I can not write any more.