Stumbled and standing

 I stand before I stumble again. I have survived a heart attack only to find the floor again. I am at a low, but I worry about my only reason to live. My family will fall without me. I am dying, but I can't leave yet. Not again as I have died and know what's next is peaceful. I am not worried about me. I am no longer a Christian as I have found it to be false. But I don't fault people for believing in it. As I know it's fine no matter what you believe. Take it from someone who knows. You will be fine. I'm just worried about the living. That's the true hurt. My family needs me to be stronger and I will be. My family is hurting and I will find a way them to survive without me. I love them with my whole self. My partner is amazing and smart, but also fragile and gentle. She needs assistance and I will give it till my dying breath.

Deathly sadness and Black Coffee

 It's coffee, coffee and sadness. I wake up make coffee, and muddle through the day feeling mired in quicksand. I cry daily, and smile through the tears for others. Sometimes I can't even do that. Well death will come and I will die. It will take away this painful existence. Sure I know it will get better, but right now it doesn't seem like it. I can't move my bones or brain. This is a depressing post. I'm just glad no one will read this.

A way home (CRAP TO READ)

  In all the ways, I cannot find the truth. The truth to be revealed to me. In so much of my life, I find the pain, torment to be a comfort for while shifting is a steady distraction from other parts of life. That I cannot find my bearings in anyway shape or form. The only form, I possess is painful and unenlightened through the day a confusing existential one.          YOU KNOW WHAT!!! THIS IS BORING SHIT, AND BARELY UNDERSTANDABLE. I MEAN EXCEPT TO MY CRAZY BRAIN.


P.s. This stuff is meant to spill my soul, and since pain is soulless, I guess I am too. Sad, sad, and illogically the answer to my question. It doesn't reflect on a my life's meaning though. Still haven't found the door on that one.

Golden Years (Are they now or yesterday?)

I find this dated song to be ringing true to this day. So fuck it and Surrender, end it or live it.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bR8D4Uybtzs&feature=related

Can I play with madness.(Iron Maiden) Fitting for my idiot self

I feared only one thing in my life and I played and lost.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSZbbTjM0Es

There are Days, I feel like sleeping in forever!

I find it hard to even think of another moment awake. Dead Awake, and behind the bars of my screwed mind.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAPy64IgG58&feature=BFa&list=PLB73877ACE50A4C57&lf=mh_lolz

What NOT to do to learn how to get money, and cars.

I think some things mimic life a little to realistically? What do you have to say to this?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fDdI-qWixk&NR=1