Tripping & Stumbling

   I find myself staring out the window with increasing frequency. I do this sometime for hours on end. I know my illness is taking a turn for the worst. I do know it will not reach "worst" as I sometimes fear. The medicine & family will keep me from that. My consuming fire to protect that which I love is still firmly in place. I look blankly at this computer screen. I don't know what I'll write or what havoc will spill forth from my cracking egg-shell head. I just know if you are out there. If you're suffering, your not alone. I know things will get better eventually. I can't possibly have anymore breaks in water pipes, backed up sewers, lightning strikes, flat tires, broken vans, sinking into the ground vans. Sections of house fall off. and vermin to eat the pipes. Christmas flat-broke. shortage on property taxes. and gutters break away & off the house. Ice dams and holes dug in the yard by my dogs. A dog who is squeaking instead of barking. Then proceeds to bark like a hell-hound. Deaths in the family from cancer.  I am a complete charity case. I have know shame left. I'm a broken man.
   I only can find solace that my reprieve will come. It's the longest run since 2005. I'm turning to drinking and self medicating regulation. I don't recommend it. I'm getting desperate for the upswing. At least I have good bourbon, semi-good brandy, and crappy whiskey, with another hurray to cognac. I also have one bottle of beer that's been in there for six months. I'm generally not a heavy drinker. I also quit smoking my pipe about four years ago. I'm not saying I don't miss it, I do. I really do. hmmm funny thing is that I'm considering a rejoining the work force on this one. I won't but still. It's nice to know I have another vice to go back to. I'm going to die, someday. I guess that ones my choice about the when. My illness will let up, so it will not come to it. I have a family to take care of. I can't be selfish, and I may hate myself, but I have to continue though. Tripping and stumbling the whole way.

Shock paddled experiment

   In the bleak lights, of dawns caress over a slowly desolate town.
I find a burgeoning excitement of town life.
In a strange electric paddled shock to a sleepy morning.
I see people crawling forth dog on leash, ready for a new day.

In the back of the real

   railroad yard in San Jose
               I wandered desolate
in front of a tank factory
              and sat on a bench
near the switchman's shack.

A flower lay on the hay on
              the asphalt highway
-the dread hay flower
                  I thought-it had a
brittle black stem and
             corolla of yellowish dirty
spikes like Jesus' inch long
                   crown, and a soiled
dry center cotton tuft
          like a used shaving brush
that's been lying under
              the garage for a year.

Yellow, yellow flower, and
           flower of industry,
tough spiky ugly flower,
                   flower nonetheless,
withe the form of the great yellow
              Rose in your brain!
This is the flower of the World.
                                                   Ginsberg, San Jose, 1954
          

Geo done is a Geo don't for this guy, But Heroin addict's are nice

I tried Geo done eight years and it sent me into a delusional spiral that was unparalleled in my medicated history. I was under the delusion that my wife was cheating on me with the person visiting from Germany, staying in our house. I had thought's of great sadness, and all encompassing depression. I very much wanted to end my life. I know however the key words to avoid saying to mental health people. Wanting to commit suicide is one big one. If you think I'm joking they'll lock you up in a heartbeat, and dope you into a drooling mass. I made that mistake once, once mind you. It's all it took to end that way of talking. I mean you can think it, all you want, just don't say it out loud. Unless you want a hospital stay. My doctor was really cool and knew me very well. He gave me a choice, a room with a view for a couple of nights at a hospital, could come and go as I pleased. Then there was the other with the incarceration in the mental dept. for at least three days. I chose the regular hospital room. I spent my time thinking and writing, and drawing.
   I was in the company of a very nice heroin addict, who had hurt himself on purpose at the rehab center for the morphine that he could get at the hospital. It was barely enough to keep the edge off, he would say as he used all the morphine right away. Then he would ask for more, and get into an argument with the nurse, because he couldn't have anymore. He did work it so the new shift knew nothing about the disagreement, and would give him the morphine, rather than deal with him. I found it to be highly diverting, and sad to say entertaining. He would smile and laugh after they left. He regaled me with stories of horror and hilarity. A strange combination I know.
    I had come to this place because of inadequate medication and poor choice on my part to make a med change before the holiday's. I learned my limits though, and it was a very unhappy experience. Up point however in this whirlwind, my youngest daughter was born in a clear point in the madness which really took affect about one month later. Morale to the story never change your meds before holiday's, and your child's birth. By the way Geo done sucks. It caused a fire to be lit in the form of a delusion that I could not get a grasp on. It is part my fault, and the medicine just did't work for me.

Mahalo.

The Joynt & Beyond

   The Joynt,
nice place for a chance,
heartbeat quickened.
   A beauty named a chance
encounter.
   A love struck fire in a
Smokey forge.
   A time rung true under church bells
clock.
    A child brought forth five times
happy.
   A happiness in embrace for
every moment held dear.
    A true lover's held near.
A best friend's advice best
beyond even tears.
I love in beauty the everything found so very much here.
Walking near the shore,
hand in hand.
Bit's of sand melted glass one of our treasures held dear.
  Finale in the last of loving breathe guarded fierce.
In the bit's fallen through a new love's begun,
for a new generation to hope to quench the thirst.
A little sand to color the horizon and the beyond.

I Found A Business In My Sadness

Am I in time to burn?
or do I have to wait my turn?
I find my match in gasoline.
Inflammatory and joyously grievous.
I like to lick tape, and chew my mike and Ike's in piece.
Insanity is gravy to drink backwards.
I often get it caught in my teeth.
I look at the sidewalk and the businessmen walk by in digust.
My business all over the place.
Set up a stand and join the disarray of putrid thought.
In my haste to make waste, I forgot to Howl at the crazy sane people.
I will howl this and that for pennies, nickels, and dimes.
A fine trade for the poor.
Beg and you will achieve nothing in nothing.
A scrap for this, A scrap for that.
A fine kettle to cook the ill's gotten gains.

Smells & Fireworks for Assholes

   Tired of being sick. I've been very ill with some form of virus that will not stop. It's trying my patience the  f***ing thing should die soon. I'll be so frigin' happy. I could puke joy. In regard to my mental status. I'm as crazy as ever. I despise that word, yet sometimes, I like to use it anyway. I'm at a loss for things to wright about. I'm about as comfortable as sitting in a room of vipers with those snaps for kids on the fourth of July. Just bidding my time to decide which vipers to whip snaps at. Gotta die sometime, might as well go out with a bang. I would like a last meal though. My house stinks of some sort of gas. Which as of present is undetermined about the origin. I think I nuked the basement with bleach and poison with snap-traps as the finale for the little bastards. I believe some died in the walls and are impossible to retrieve for disposal. So I'm subjecting my family to the stench of the disease ridden animals decaying. Yaayyyy! F***ing Mice, Rats, whatever it is. Die, Die, Die! I can't bring a baby home to this, and expose my children to this. I have a dehumidifier on full blast in the affected area, and the smell seems to be dissipating. Thank you God! Please respond in kind!  

Mahalo.