The Four Ages of Man

He with body waged a fight,
But body won; it walks upright.

Then he struggled with the heart;
Innocence and peace depart.

Then he struggled with the mind;
His proud heart he left behind.

Now his wars on God begin;
At stroke of midnight God shall win.

                                                  By: W.B.Yeats

Riding The Illness Train Sucks

  In the face of crushing depression. Wave after wave of these base emotions are drowning me in fear. I'm having a hard time connecting to anything at all. I suppose this is life and you can't be just miserable all the time. Only more so it seems to work better with this beastly natural illness. I can't feel anything really but hollow, afraid, and a cold burning sorrow. It seems ice has yet again chose to flow through these veins. I don't know what to do except ride it out. I know from previous experience that most of the increase will end in some time. But it has been about six months and a downward slope at that. I've come to fear my wife and kids as well as the outside world. The T.V.'s prattling in the background is driving me batty. I know the dangers inherit with this line of thinking. It must be apart of an elaborate delusion that has decided to favor a feeble mind. I still posses enough presence of mind to realize that much.
   Such is the wreck and ruin of mental illness. I feel a divide real or imagined, not quite sure. However after a decade of illness always, always bet on imagined. It's really the only safe choice. Same as when a conversation turns south. I found that being polite and not flying off the handle is generally the best idea. Even though it can be really painful, just turn a smile on and choke on it. Thankfully the illness and medicine will blur it pretty much out in a few days. If it doesn't it's a delusion. Trust this pained person don't jump to conclusions. They are wrong, even if they seem right, in my case they are wrong, so wrong. It's safer and can give yourself a certain brittle piece of mind. cling to it.
    I'm seriously suffering, and can still give enough advice about that. It's the best way to squash delusions from taking root. I'm working hard to get better, and I know that I have acquired my regular aloofness. So if I see you, and don't respond don't take offense. I just can't really handle talking at that moment. I've tried to break this part of my cyclic illness. It just hasn't happened quite yet. I didn't write anything yesterday, simply because my mind and body were exhausted dealing. So suffering or not I had to tell you about this sickly frame of existence.

Mahalo.  

Back in ER

   Because of another ER visit. I'm not really better off, because the pain is only mildly under control. I either have another hernia, or a severe groin pull. They don't know, go figure, 6 hours and nothing, no real answers. I'm going for the gold, with the doctor visits in the last two weeks. yeah loss of money and time. I have an appointment on Thursday with my regular Doc. I pray it's nothing serious, and if it is, Fix It Fast Please. I've a child due in Feb. I need to hold.


Mahalo.

A Happy Halloween

  The spooky, the macabre, all the fun, all the candy. In my children's eyes a holiday is born, both twisted and fun. In the spirits of young and slightly older. Old join the fray into youthful diversion for a night of revelry. My kids love it. My friends and their kids come over for a party and join the streets full of kids looking for candy, and smiles, and my daughter wouldn't let me tuck her into bed, because my face paint scared her, and made me wash it off, but not before crying. I just smiled as any parent would with a slightly warped sense of humor would. I of course washed it off straight away, and was greeted with smiles of relief. It wasn't that bad. I was just a clown. The clown doctor from the show "Children's Hospital" on cartoon network.
   I know the kiddies will sleep well as we walked a good many city blocks. House to house, and eventually the trek back to the car. The yearly usual complaints of being tired and feet hurting from the walk were present.The party was fun with lots of food, and hey it's good to see old friends. My wife and my friend are both pregnant and due about the same time. So they have to catch up, talk about, and share really, it's good. I know the kids had fun, laughing and destroying my house, and even if my face paint scared one of my kids. That surprised me too, Bonus, ha. Cruel maybe not really, funny yes. So the costume line was, an anime character my oldest daughter created. My oldest boy a football player. My other girl as Miss America, and my other boy, a puppy. Then myself as a clown. I wasn't the only adult to get into it either. Friends kids costumes ran the gauntlet in design and were fun and equally as crazed as my kids in destruction. Once a year, I think I can handle it. The non- spiked punch(pregnancy and kids present) and pizza rolls and chocolate cupcakes and a whole lot of other food ran late into the night. However with it being a school night, and with work looming, not that late.

Anyway Happy Halloween!

Mahalo.

In The Middle

I'm amused all the time
I, a soldier in life, of life.
I, a corpse in death.
I, a smile in a memory.
I, fade within a memory.
I, stand on a one way road.
I, lie quiet in the ground.
I, travel fast in life, through living.
I, can't walk the wrong way down the road.
I, in the middle of today,yesterday, and tomorrow.
I'm lit for dreams.

The Road

   All along that dusty road.
I hear the silence, I've come to know.
   I feel so far away from home.
I'm all alone in this barrened road.
   I seek the people, I've always known.
To help me find, my way back home.
   To see the smiles, I've loved and lost.
In this big world, I'll find home.
   I find my loneliness stretch, miles and miles.
I'm choking on soot stained motel rooms.
   I can fly out of my body on ash wings.
All along that dusty road to find my love.
   On dampened, broken wings that can barely hover.
Stuck on stormy shores looking for my way.

   It's in my love's, pure brown eye's.

I find my smile in true miles.

 

I Feel The Stigma

   I realize the stigma burned into my head. A differing opinion is formed as soon as soon as these words are uttered, " Schizo-affective ". I feel a frantic need to keep mental illness a secret. I don't know about you , but I hate people that look down on you. By other's not understanding that even though I'm different in a way. I'm not any less than you. I'm also not any better either. I'm prejudiced against my own just like you are. I say this as more than likely. I'm not you! I feel awful about it. I'm trying to realize, that I'm not harmful, and others like me, are probably not harmful either. I've only met one, that I purposefully distanced myself from. Most, now this a generalization are not comfortable around others like themselves. This goes for generic population too. People can't stand to be around others to much like themselves. For to watch themselves and what they do, or can do is more than they can bear to see, hear, etc.etc. That's why the best friend's are similar, but apparently different. The same goes for others with sometimes pronounced differences. It is to much for a hardworking system to stay abreast of,  or can be. Please face the stigmatized crawling, and try to put it of mind. The mentally ill, are just people swimming upstream against a little stronger current in the same river as you. So smile, and give the person a chance. If they botch that up. Then form an opinion, that you find is fair. Not on what someone told you, or someone's else friend told them. Do that and you are becoming a little less prejudiced every single person, and day. Kudos to you! 

Mahalo.